Jay and I discussed some pretty interesting things last night. It was weird because I would have never imagined that he would say someting like this to me. It's just not like him. We were in the bedroom getting ready to lay down and watch TV. I decided that it was time for me ask him a question. I said it like this, "Out of the whole year and a half that we've been together, have you ever thought about having sex with another girl?" He says, "No, but that's only because I have had other girls, and I know that I have the best out there. I don't need anything else." Well, I admitted to him that I couldn't say the same. He wasn't very surprised at all.

      It's totally not what I expected. And I know some of you out there are used to this kind of thing. I feel very strongly about monogamy, and this is really making me re-think myself. Ok, I'll back up I guess. I lost my virginity to Jay. I had sex with him because I had feelings that were so strong for him. I made him wait forever and a day before I'd do anything with him. So, when I think of him being with someone else, I can't help but think that he had the same feelings for those other girls that he does for me. I never just went out and had sex with somebody without knowing them, loving them, it just wasn't me. (I'm not saying that's a bad thing. Don't get me wrong. I wish I had experimented a bit before I got tied down.) So these feelings I have for Jay are all that I've ever known. I always think about what sex would be like with someone else. Not necesarily that I want to do it, but just the fact that I think about it a lot. Which brings me to this issue. Jay told me that he understands completely how I feel, and that it's only healthy to have these thoughts. He tells me that if I was the only person he's ever had sex with, that he'd probably feel the same.

      I'll admitt. I have really been tempted to cheat on him before. Just when things got so bad between us in the past. Only now, I'm so curious. Jay isn't helping me that much either. He just keeps suggesting finding another couple, and I guess swinging. He says if we both do it at the same time there will be nothing for me to feel guilty about. Honestly, I can't believe it. That saying:

*What goes around, comes around*

Well, I think it's got to me. The other day I left a comment on a girl's diary saying, to some effect, that I didn't believe in swinging. Now, it's caught up to me. I never imaginged that I would be questioned like this. Wow, what to do? What to say? I don't even know where Jay stands in all this. He continues to coax me into accepting the idea, and going through with it, but I just don't know. I'm starting to think that he really doesn't want this, but that it's some sort of test for me. A test to see what I would do. He could turn this all around on me in the end and make me look horrible. I have so many questions, so many mixed feelings about it all. What happens when I find out that sex with someone else is better? What happens when I want to continue this after the first time? What happens when Jay gets attched to another girl? Does he really crave this kind of lifestyle? Do I? I'm just so mixed up. Fantasies are awesome, but I've known that some fanatasies are better left fantasies, not bring them to reality. Not all, but some. I have so many girlfriends that would love the idea. So many that would be willing to swap every now and then. Am I really ready for this? I just don't know.

      On another note- I just recieved a letter from rosa jane. It was so sweet. I think it was a card. And, it was sealed with a kiss. Funny thing is, it said in the letter that she is still waiting to recieve mine. I had sealed my letter, well package, with a couple of kisses. I truly thought when I got it that she was just returning the idea. Then I read the letter and found out that she came up with it al on her own. How sweet! I bet that we recieved our letters on the same day. Now I want to write her back, but something is telling me to just wait on her to answer my last one first. That's mostlikely what I'll do. I am really happy though. I needed a pick-me-up today, you know?

      Anyway- I haven't talked to Sebastian for a few days now. Oh, and Joshua got him a new girlfriend. I would post a pic, but that wouldn't make any sense because you've yet to see a pic of me. So, I'll just save it for another day. Hmm, Sebastian. Yes. I need to talk to him about this. He always has good advice. But for now, I will go. Bye! I love you rosa jane. You made me so happy today. I love you!!=)